MLK Day

For some this is a holiday, for others, like myself, it is a Monday. I so do not want to be at work today, but work does pay the bills, and bills need to be paid. This day means so little to most people. It is a day to not go to work, to school, to where ever.

Funny enough, in the not so funny "hmmm" sort of way, MLK Jr's birthday oddly occurs on the same day as Robert E. Lee. I know in Alabama there was a constant "joke," if it can be called that, surrounding the idea that in actuality MLK Day was an excuse to celebrate Robert E. Lee's birthday. But we all know how big of a cultural behemoth and intellectual giant everyone considers Alabama. They may, and I stress may, be thought of more highly than Mississippi, but that is about it.

Oooh, I probably made Alabamians mad again. Oh well. Luckily most Alabamians are afraid of leaving the state, so I do not have to worry about any sort of retaliation. That, and they would need to be Internet capable to see this blight on their state's good name. Making fun of Alabama in a web-blog, is about as dangerous as making fun of the Amish. They are never going to know that they were made fun of. That being said... trust me, you can make fun of the Amish, just be careful about those Mennonite sons of bitches. They are some nasty mf's. They feel just fine throwing down their "vengeance from God" arbitrarily and capriciously. And if one were to give them reason, let's just say it would not be pretty.

Oh well, my company is not paying me to be here to whine about being here, they are paying me to act like I am working on a project. So, off I go to act like I am working.

It's about time... on the Ranch

Oddly enough, there is no difference today than there really was on Friday. All that is really different is now I have to be vigilant about using "05" on dates. Time is an unbroken continuum; we segment it into little quantifiable units for the ease of our use. What is a second, a minute, and hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, a decade, a century, etc... Those are human constructs to help us understand the passage of time. Time is all relative and our perceptions of it differ from person to person. Time is a very personal thing. For me, the day might be dragging by at a snail's pace, but for someone else, it could be flying by. Both perceptions are correct. I guess, in a convoluted sort of way, I am leading up to a big old "Happy New Year."

Anyway... enough waxing philosophic.

As a quick aside, is there a better secondary condiment than ranch dressing, and not that fancy ass ranch dressing with parmesan cheese, cucumber, and peppercorns. I am talking about nature's bounty called old style ranch dressing, the Hidden Valley Plain stuff. The stuff you can use as a veggie dip, sandwich flavoring, chip dip, pasta sauce, chicken nugget dipping sauce, meat topping in general, etc... The only condiment that is better is ketchup, and that is only because it is full of tomatoey goodness. Ranch is often futzed with, and shouldn't be. While I do love me some bacon, I do not think that Ranch Dressing should contain bacon in the bottle of dressing itself. Add bacon to the dressing, and you pretty much have a meal. Put ranch in Kraft Mac and Cheese (it's the faux cheesiest) and you have yourself a better meal. Throw some bacon in and it becomes a gourmet meal, Canadian bacon, and you have an international gourmet meal (unless, of course, you live in Canadia). I used to like Cool Ranch Doritos, but now I like tortilla chips dipped in ranch dressing (the way Cool Ranch was supposed to be). Ranch covers the food that ketchup cannot, and that is why I love me some ranch dressing. (and not that fat free crap, either. It ain't ranch if it can't clog some artery).

Resolutions

Ah, the New Year's tradition that everyone dreads. The list of things that we know we need to do, and yet know we will most likely not do. Every year people list off things that they will most likely fail at by February 1st6, but maybe that is just the pessimist in me. Ooh, Resolution 1: I will be less pessimistic.

I am sure that one will last a good long time. Shit, that was both sarcastic and pessimistic. Resolution 2: I will be less sarcastic. Riiiiight, my motto is if there is a choice between funny and nice, it really isn't even a choice. Resolution 3: I will not curse as much. I really do not want to have a shitty shitty damn damn baby. His next word should not be "sonovabitch."

Yesterday I jumped the gun (Resolution 4: I will be more patient.), and came up with 2 real resolutions and 1 more likely resolution. So without further ado, I will add those 3 to the list as well. Resolution 5: I will set aside time to pursue more artistic endeavors. Resolution 6: I will clean the bathroom more often. Resolution 7: Ooh, look something shiny.

So of these 7 resolutions, it appears that maybe Resolution 6 and Resolution 7 will be able to be accomplished.

Ooh, look! Something shiny!


By popular demand...

Crappy Gifts

So I asked many a person about the worst gift they have ever gotten and the list I got back was long and varied. Associated with each gift is the gender and age of the person at the time they received the gift.

Lump of Coal: Female, Ages 3 -10 (evil parent)

Pretzel Dip: Male, Age 27 (huh?)

Pink Tape Cassette Holder: Male, Age 13 (the grandma really wanted a grand-daughter)

Fish Tie: Male, Age 18 (this gift was received in 2000, just a little out of date)

Various Assorted Bad Sweaters: Male & Female all ages (everyone gets a crappy sweater eventually)

Fleece Cow Print Vest: Female, Age 23 (ummm, what exactly is the giver trying to say?)

Used and Unwashed Knife Set: Female, Age 27 (yeeeee-uck)

Pen in the Shape of a Weiner Dog: Female, Age 14 (not sure what exactly this person wanted a 14 year old girl to be thinking about)

20 Gauge Shot-Gun: Female, Age 13 or 14 (just what every little girl wants)

Tacky Conch Shell Decoration: Male, age 41 (re-gifted tacky conch shell decoration, same gift he gave them 10 years earlier)

Muddy Rocks: Male, Age 6 (the gift that keeps on giving)

Purple Fur-Lined Faux Suede 10 Year Old Pimp-Lookin' Jacket: Male, Age 22 (does this really need a comment)

Home-made Silver Belt-Bucket encrusted with Nuts and Bolts and Soldered Silver Wire Initials: Female, Age 14 (Made really crappily with love)

Cigar Smoke Smelling T-Shirt with Glittery Cat Decal: Female, Age 27 (if the glittery cat thing wasn't enough, the t-shirt stunk to high heaven as well)

Jesus Laughing Picture: Female, Age 35 (disturbing painting of Jesus howling with laughter. How creepy is that? What is he laughing about? Is it my chances to get into Heaven?)

Golden Decorative Boot: Female, Age 38 (Just Plain Tacky)


and the worst Christmas present ever...


Girl's Bikini Bathing Suit: Male, Age 3 (did I mention that the grandma REALLY wanted a grand-daughter)

Best actor of all time

I think the best actor of all time is easily Michael Caine.

There are many reasons for thinking he is the best ever. He is credited with 200+ instances of actor/producer/crew work. There are many many many notable roles. He is in "Zulu," "The Cider House Rules," "Austin Powers in Goldmember," "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels," "Hannah and her Sisters," "The Bridge too Far," and "The Eagle has Landed" amongst other various roles. Sure he has gotten an Oscar, sure he has gotten Golden Globes, Emmy's, and other awards and accolades, but the roles that he got those awards for are not the ones that distinguish him as the best actor ever.

There is one role in particular that separates him from the rest of the field, one role and one role alone. That role is a rather obscure role, but marvelous. He hits his mark every time, because he is the consummate professional. He gives the most passionate version of this role that I have ever seen. He plays a very convincing Scrooge character. He is alive, and he is effusive, he is sad, he is just wonderful in this film. But those aspects of his character acting, do not cause me to think him the best actor ever. It is the fact that he brings tears to his eyes in the Ghost of Christmas Present scenes that separates him from the every other actor that has ever been on earth. The movie is "The Muppet Christmas Carol."

If anyone can bring tears to their eyes for the Muppets, that person is the best actor ever. Period. Weeping due to a lame (supposedly walking impaired) frog sock puppet, that takes some acting. Acting Deniro doesn't have. Bringing tears to his eyes because "There will be a crutch without an owner next Christmas." That is much better than Pacino. Sean Penn couldn't act his way out of a paper sack in that instance. In fact, I can imagine him asking the director, "So I'm supposed to cry because a fucking frog with a bad leg is going to die? You know there are Iraqis dying every day due to the oppression of US Military actions." Can you imagine Ed Harris convincingly crying due to a fake lame frog dying? I think not. Harrison Ford's gritty acting style could not effectively replicate the sadness necessary to weep due to a green sock's limited existence. Samuel L. Jackson: "I AIN'T cryin' for this mutha-fuckin puppet." "It is a Muppet, sir." "I don't mutha-fuckin' care if it is the GODDAMN Queen of mutha-fuckin' England, I ain't crying for a lame-ass sock!" It is not about baseball or a western so Cosner's out. Maybe Tom Hanks could pull it off, but he is not old enough to be Scrooge.

Tradition

It is a tradition for my wife and I to exchange letters to each other for Christmas. This year, I have decided that I will write this letter in more of a public forum. So beware, schmaltziness ensues, in fact it is going to get downright sickly sweet. Stop reading now if you have a weak constitution for "sweet nothings."




Sweetheart,

I definitely love you more and more every day. Having a child with you has just magnified this love a thousand fold. Watching you with our little boy makes my heart leap with joy. I look forward to coming home to you, and you coming home to me every day. Every morning when I wake up next to you, I do not want to get out of bed, I want lay around with you and our little one laughing about him flopping around on the bed, you making silly faces with him, and me imitating his babbling sounds and giggles.

I love watching you interact with little man. He loves you so much, and his eyes light up almost as much as mine when he sees you. The tenderness and firmness of your love for the boy has shown me another side of you to love. I now am in love with a mom as well as a the woman I married. (It is good that the two are one in the same, otherwise I am pretty sure how this letter would go over, and it wouldn't be good) You are steadfast in your devotion to your family, and for that I am in love with you. Family definitely is your number one concern.

But I did not fall in love with you because you would (and do) make a great mother. I fell in love with you because you are a strong independent woman, whose intellect and humor are only surpassed by your beauty (both inner and outer beauties, an "all encompassing beauty," if you will). I love making you laugh. I love when you make me laugh. I love discussing ideas (theological, scientific, family of origin stuff, etc...) with you. I love talking about our future together. I love fantasizing about how we would spend lottery winnings together. I loved you when you were my girlfriend, I loved you when you were my fiancé, and I love you as my wife. I am looking forward to the rest of a wonderful life with you.

Sweetheart, I love you so much.

Love Love

Next one is going to be about crappy gifts, so the schmaltziness should be over for now. My apologies to those who were disturbed by the saccharinity of this post.

Company Christmas parties just aren't what they used to be

Remember tales of people getting drunk at parties and telling off bosses, or the employee hook-ups that used to supposedly happen during the company holiday festivities? Well, none of that crap can happen anymore.

Today's company holiday activities are much more sedate affairs. There is no longer a company-wide holiday party where the bosses pay for everyone to get drunk and enjoy some merriment. No longer do people have to endure the office drunk/s blubbering on about how much they love everyone. I imagine that there were some lawsuits over bosses letting employees leave blitzed out of their minds and subsequently wrappingt themselves around a tree. Currently, we have in house Christmas extravaganzas.

This year it is on site and catered. A nice enough hoot-nanny to be sure, yet still less chance of seeing some good company soap operas develop. I would love to watch some folk just curse their bosses out. Some of the bosses definitely deserve it. The event happens over lunch now, because the big bosses think work will get done afterwards. They are horribly wrong, but they can think whatever they want. Hardly any work will be accomplished this week at all, or next as well. There won't be any drama to witness, so all we have to look forward to is good food, good conversation, and some fun white elephant gift stuff.

I guess that is enough of a celebration, but true celebrating involves watching some else make an ass out of themselves. One can only hope for some kind of soap opera work related incident now.

Family Gifts

Typically we have to open my parent's gifts to us weeks prior to Christmas so as not to ruin the day of Christmas for me or my wife. Usually the crap they foist on us as Christmas presents gets either my wife or myself absolutely pissed off about the lack of thought and/or the cheapness associated with the gifts. For example, one fine Christmas we openned a lovely gift of a dirty t-shirt with sparkly cats on it that smelled like cigar smoke and a green vinyl table cloth that also smelled heavily of cigar smoke. Both of these fine items made it to the dumpster immediately after openning. More often then not we use their crappy gifts as some form of white elephant gift in one of our work related holiday gift exchanges.

This year, however, was oddly different. My parents actually got us a fairly nice gift. It is so appropriate that I am actually a little un-happy about openning it prior to Christmas morning. Turns out that they actually put a bit of thought behind this particular gift and that this gift will actually be useful in the long run for my family.

Now, the gift that they got my little boy, their grandson, was nothing to be envied by anyone, but that is a different matter all together. That gift's crappiness is a direct result of my mom's propensity to shop at Dollar General, The Dollar Store, The Dollar Tree, Crap for a Buck, Two Bits Four Bits Six Bits Crappola, etc... Now, I do not want to come off seeming like I think that my little one deserves expensive gifts from my parents and that something that is not made of gold with ivory inlays is clearly beneath his worthiness. What I am saying is that the "Look, here's something for a dollar, and I happen to have a dollar on me" mentality should not be the decision making process for finding a gift for a loved one. Cheap is not bad. Lack of thoughtfulness (thoughtlessnessocity) is bad.

This general cheapness and her general lack of awareness of age appropriate gifts is really how her gift choices tend to suck. When little man is trying to figure out the DVD player, 4 3 page soft crib toy books is not a good gift. This year's gift would have been good for last year, but now the gift is clearly too young for him to be interested in it.

I also do not want everyone out there in cyberland to think that I am just beating up on my mom for her gift choice, Dad doesn't even help her out, so the bruden of gifting rests with her alone. He is also culpable in the crappy gift giving due to his lack of activity.

So for this year... one out of two ain't bad.

Throw the carcass away

I am always amazed by the horrible glut of post thanksgiving deterious. We have done 3 loads in the dishwasher, and still have dirty dinnerware associated with the blessed holiday. That does not even count the leftover containers that are slowly being emptied. My fridge is overflowing with food.

It was a good celebration though. A bit geriatric, but nice none-the-less. The mom-in-law brought her elderly (late 80's), near-deaf, newly widowed neighbor. The boy's caregivers (surrogate grandparents) brought their ex-neighbor who has alzheimer's, lives in a assisted living facility, and is in his late 70's. The surrogate grandparent's are not quite spring chickens as well. I think even with the 16 month old and two 30 year olds, the average age was 90. If not in actual math, at least the conversation was centered around the age of 90.

"Do you usually roast turkey for your Thanksgivings?"
"No thank you, I don't want anymore turkey."

Thankfully we had the Disney Channel on all day long, so we could experience a wide extreme of sights and sounds. Hearing the Wiggles singing "Zardo Zap" in one ear and a detailed conversation about medications in the other ear. Quite discongruous, to say the least.

There was good pie though, and that is all that matters. I hope everyone else had a good holiday.

Obligatory Thanksgiving Blog

Here is my obligatory Thanksgiving blog

I am thankful for many many things, so many, in fact, I will share them in list form.

1. My Family (wife and kid), they are the only ones who keep me marginally sane
2. My Family of choice (friends), they are the ones helping to push me towards the margins of sanity
3. I have a good job, it is not a great job, that would involve much less actual work and involve much more actual salary
4. Vanilla Bean Cheescake from the Cheesecake Factory. If God were a cheescake, I would have taken many a slice from him by now
5. Good shoes, once you buy a good pair of shoes, it is difficult to get crappy ones ever again.
6. Ummm... The color blue, it is all nice and blue-like
7. ahhh... Okay I am tapped, that's it the fam, the friends, the job, the God of Cheesecake, shoes, and blue.

To all of you, enjoy the holiday.

Why visiting family sucks

The big reason that visiting with family sucks is that no matter how emotionally healthy one is on their own, when placed into their family of origin dynamic, there is always some regressing. Always

Old survival methods kick in and healthy behavior goes flying out the window to be hastily replaced with "I just gotta get through this in one piece" behavior. For me (at its worst), this means a whole bunch of shutting down, to where the only feelings left are those of hunger and physical discomfort. Most likely I will just be a bit short with the ones I love the most and be entirely way to sensitive about what is going on around my little one. When I am around family and large crowds of marauding barbarians, I tend to get a little over-protective of the boy.

For the day after Turkey Day I will be seeing my parents, my brother, his 2 kids and his new wife. It will be a mildly enjoyable day, but more likely, chock full of apprehension and dread. My brother's kids are good kids, just amazingly neglected. One seems to have resignedly moved himself to the background, while the other has been doing everything he can to get noticed (good or bad). My brother is incredibly indecisive, and has a difficult time thinking for himself as well as making decisions. His wife is just now realizing what she has married into, so she often seems the deer in head-lights to some of my family's behavior. My parents are 2 dreadfully unhappy people. They are good people, but are just not nice people. Anything they do not understand is belittled, and they do not understand a whole bunch. Therefore, they do belittle a whole bunch. The easiest way for them to feel better about themselves is to tear down others.

Therefore it sucks and equates to Hell and/or Purgatory. Whether I visit them or they visit me.

Day before Halloween

The picture in the previous post is of my son. The original is much more boring and involves a porch and my knee. Not a very appropriate setting for a devil. Photoshop to the rescue.

Halloween, I have never truly understood the appeal of this "holiday." I understand the historical significance of the day and it's roots in gaelic/celtic traditions, as well as how the Catholic church incorporated it as well. I do not understand, however, why it is such a popular holiday today.

What I do know about this holiday, is that the number of times that my wife and I can choose his costume for him is pretty much limited to about 3, and we didn't dress him up at all last year. We might have one year left. After that, I am sure he will want to be a ninja/football player/flavor of the year. Anyway, we thought he should be the benevolent giver of toys, but there are not many Santa suits to be found around Halloween, and most definitely none that fit a 15 month old. "Santa" and "Satan" only differ by moving around an "n," so... close enough.

Oh well, it is time to sign off.

Enjoy