Siddhartha Pentalagus Furnessi Gautama

I unfortunately am not that familiar with Eastern philosophies so please bear with my ignorance. I am aware that many systems of faith have a renewal ritual associated with them that takes place in the spring. It seems that the one that is most celebrated in the US, a decidedly western culture, is not the only renewal ritual that associates with a bunny.

Much to my mother-in-law’s chagrin, Little Man was adamant that he should not thank the “Easter Bunny” for his Easter basket. He should instead give his laud to the “Eastern Bunny.”
Yes, the “Eastern Bunny.”

The Zen Lapin hid eggs filled with serenity and then hopped down the eight fold path to nirvana.

Thanks Eastern Bunny, Bock! Bock!

To recap:
The Eastern Bunny bestowed gifts of non-extremes to Little Man
Little Man liked them… but not too much
He left Little Man a train Now that train is constantly by is side
Constantly
Tomorrow’s 20 Questions is the continuation of last weeks
It will be an extravaganza of questionessihood

20 Questions Tuesday: 29 - Valentine's Day

Ah, Valentine's Day is tomorrow, and I am stunned at the amount of people on the questioning list who sent in questions. Since Valentine’s Day is such a singular event, I am not going to push this topic on to 2 weeks, so instead of answering every question I got (51 questions in total), I am just going to answer 20 of them that pique my curiosity. I will also answer the few common questions that everyone seemed to ask. These questions are:

What was your worst Valentine’s Day/Valentine’s Day gift? Pretty much any of the Valentine’s Days when I was in High School would suffice. I was unpaired and lonely and acutely aware of that loneliness because I was an angsty teen at the time. As far as gifts go, I have never really gotten a Valentine’s Day gift so “no gift” would be my answer.

What was your best Valentine’s Day/Valentine’s Day gift? 11 years ago was the best. Wifey and I had gotten engaged the previous week, and that Valentine’s Day was just special and nice. As far as gifts, it was 11 years ago as well, when Future Wifey said, “You know, the engagement is more special than this holiday, let’s not celebrate Valentine’s Day and remember the engagement instead.” In one fell swoop, I no longer had to think about Valentine’s Day. Yippee! Love you, Wifey!

Is Valentine’s Day a “real” holiday or just one manufactured by Hallmark? Valentine’s Day is a real “event.” I hesitate to call it a holiday because no one observes it by not doing stuff. There is some actual history to it, but I think a bunch of the history ascribed to the day is more lore and legend than actual historic fact.

Valentine’s Vs Sweetest Day? I had honestly not heard of Sweetest Day until I moved to Ohio in 1992. Never. Heard. Of. It. Sweetest Day is the definition of a “Hallmark” holiday, because it was manufactured. I hate the mere existence of Sweetest Day.

Today’s Questions are from (in order of receipt): Lord Pithy, Lsig, Peefer, The Em, ZingerZapper, Dr Civil, Bomber, Info Diva, Allrileyedup, JW, and Atmikha. If I did not answer a question you asked, I apologize, but paring down the questions to a measly 20 was difficult. To the questions!

1 What the hell does my husband really want for VD? Are silk boxers ever an appropriate gift?
I think, based on a conversation with you this morning, he wants you to stay away fro Valentine’s Day. Silk boxers are always appropriate. Always! They just make it nice to walk around. In fact when I wore silk boxers, I would walk around a lot, for the sheer umm… enjoyment of them.

2 Why does it amuse me so much to refer to the day as VD?
Because it is tragically funny. I think VD actually made the medical community change Venereal Disease into Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI’s)

3 Nougat or nut-filled? White, milk, or dark? Chocolate, that is. What's your favorite Valentine's day confection?
Nougat, White Chocolate, I am not terribly partial to any day specific confection.

4 How many times can the average person see the same, stupid Valentine's-themed jewelry store commercial and not kill someone?
437 ... I am at 267

5 Is there any implication to the fact that we give our loved ones bits of chocolate in a box shaped (symbolically, anyway) like an internal organ for this holiday? And why does a Valentine's heart look nothing like a real heart?
People like treats, ergo the chocolates. The heart shape is more aesthetically pleasing than an actual heart shape. I mean, really, how do you put lace on the aorta?

6 If you were Cupid, where precisely would you aim your arrow? And why?
For lust? A kill shot to the inner thigh, hoping to nick the femoral artery.
For love? A kill shot to the Carotid Artery.
I think the reasoning is self-evident

7 You are a woman. (Go with me for a moment.) Did you appreciate your gift of lingerie?
I am not sure I like where this question is going. I am not some cheap floozy whose physical affections can be purchased with some frilly lacy undergarment… although, they do make me feel pretty…

8 I love the new anti-V-day parties and such that are happening in recent years for the singles. What's your take on it?
Ah, Single’s Awareness Day. I think it is a great idea. Those sad sad un-coupled masses trying to take control of the singular loney existence

9 What's your favorite love song?
"Tainted Love", by Soft Cell. Sure it wasn’t originally done by Soft Cell, but their cover is easily the best

10 What do you do on a VD date when your date spends 85% of the time talking about his dead mother and how he was forced to fly to England to bury her and he is still bearing the cost of the funeral? You know, they weren’t that close…(blah, blah, blah)
a. End the date on the sentence, “My dead mother…”
b. Refuse to return his calls even after he tells you what a great time he had
c. Tell him at the door that you hope his mother haunts him in his dreams
d. Marry him
Definitely A

11 I recently read that men spend on average 17 million dollars on VD, while women spend half of that amount. Is it because men are trying to make up for the other 364 days in one fell swoop, trying to get a little loving later on, or sincerely want to show their partner how much they love them with a big, honking diamond? Just curious.
Sorry, I stopped reading after “VD.” Men spent $17 million on Venereal Disease? I’m sorry what was the question again? Oh, yes…I think if a singular honking huge gift such as a diamond didn’t work to get men laid, they would not continue that attempt.

12 What was the most appropriate message on the little heart shaped candies? The most inappropriate?
You decide which is which

13 If you were to give out drugstore "themed" cheapy Valentines to your coworkers (like all the kids do - you know Sponge Bob, Cars, etc.) - what character/cartoon would you choose?
Law & Order SVU Valentines!

14 If you were forced to watch a chick flick romantic comedy on Valentine's Day (so not your genre!), what movie would you choose?
Shaun of the Dead. Hey, it is classified as a "romantic comedy."

15 My married friends don't celebrate Valentine's Day anymore, but they did when they dated. What's up with that?
Married people are dead inside…so so dead…

16 Valentine’s Day Clichés: I was at the Mall on Saturday and I saw men with glazed over expressions at the jewery counters looking for engagement rings. Should guys use Valentine's Day to pop the big question or not? By the way, giving a woman flowers and chocolate. Cheesy or traditional? Who actually gives or wants to receive the oversize stuffed animals of fluffy white bears holding a red heart-shaped pillow?
I think the Valentine’s Day/New Years/Christmas proposals are a bit too cliché. There is no originality in them at all.
Flowers and chocolate are a cheesy gift.
I have no idea about the teddy bear and pillow thing.

17 If cupid is a boy, then why do people freak out at you if you dress your baby son up as cupid for pictures?
I don’t know, but people thought I was weird last year for having this up on my computer.

18 Do you think Valentine's Day is a good day for internet couples to meet for the first time?
I think picking a day with less expectations and seasonal weight would be a better choice. There are just too many strings attached to the idea of Valentine’s Day to make it the first physical meeting – in my non-internet dating opinion.

19 Are you a fuddy-duddy who claims that Valentine's day is just a commercial ploy to get people to spend $, or are you the type that uses the day to celebrate the person you love just a little more than you usually do?
I am quite the fuddy duddy on this one, but I do not think it is a commercial ploy as much as I think it is a day that holds no significance to me or Wifey.

20 Does your Valentine like funny wife cards, dirty wife cards, or does she like the mushy, gooey, sentimental wife cards that make you want to throw up in your mouth?
She likes the mushy cards. I don’t get it, but those are the ones she likes

To Recap:
The roads are really crappy today
I will probably be leaving work early today
Around 4-ish
Tacos for dinner
Wifey and I had to go to the grocery store last night
I was surprised at how many college students were there buying beer
Then I remembered (what I could) my collegiate years
Snow, beer and college mix well
I could have omitted snow in that last line

Weird Holiday

So this is a weird “holiday.” Sure it is a US federal holiday so most government workers are not working today. I am at work, however, and Capt. Mcarmypants is at work as well. So a non-government employee (me) and a government employee (the Mediocre Captain {a title of “The Good Captain” would inflate his head/ego to monumental proportions. Don’t get me wrong, he has a tiny little noggin to begin with so some swelling is nice, but the poor enlisted soldiers forced to be on a plane with his ego would suffer unduly) are both working diligently today. Let me ‘splain.

Me: Our client (a government agency) wants to look at some materials for a public involvement meeting during an internal get-together tomorrow mid-morning. The issue is that while most of the data that I am working with is internally produced, I do have to work with some stuff a different company produced. To make matters worse, I need to marry the line work with some aerial photos that are not matching up perfectly. I could go on and on with technical prattling about this, but I am even boring myself. Suffice it to say that it is a painful process getting the 4 different datasets to look seemless, but that is why I am paid the big bucks.* It is a tedious and painstaking process, that is sadly more trial and error than a multi-step process by rote. It takes patience for which I am losing quickly.

Captain McArmypants: The Mediocre Captain shipped out under cover of darkness last night for his deployment to Afghanistan. (Sure, my working on a holiday is not nearly as exciting as being deployed into a combat zone, but, hey, I am a whiner and this is my blog.) McArmypants is to be gone for a full year. Luckily it is “only” to Afghanistan and not to Iraq, but that is truly a relative comparison. Violence in Afghanistan is escalating because we are decreasing the total number of troops in the country so that we can have a troop “surge” someplace else, … I forget where.

To recap:
I am tired
I have tons of work to do
The Captain has 30 hours of transit to deal with
He also has the amazing ability to sleep almost in any position
The 30 hours will seem like 10 to him
I have a shit-ton of work to get to
“A shit-ton,” I say
Again the progression is:
Ass-load
Shit-load
Fuck-load
Ass-ton
Shit-ton
Fuck-ton
At least I only have a “shit-ton” to do
By 3 pm today it should be down to an “ass-ton”
Not an Astin an “ass-ton”

* “big bucks” is defined here as meager living.

Sapper

The good thing about not making any New Year’s resolutions is that I can’t feel disappointed in myself when I haven’t broken any in the first week. Yep, so far I have not broken any of the resolutions that I did not make. That’s the thing about goals: if one aims low enough, one can only be pleasantly surprised. With resolutions there is nothing lower than… ummm… nothing. Even a negative resolution is still a resolution. “I will smoke more cigarettes a week” is still a resolution. It is neither a good nor a healthy one, but it is still a resolution. The mere fact that one has resolved themselves to do something makes it a resolution. I, however, have not resolved to do anything, and, by gum, I have not done anything yet this year. Just ask Wifey.

Many people think that resolutions are made to be broken. That is why a few people I know resolved to make no resolutions. The irony was not lost on them, in fact, it was their point. They are very ironic in their extremely predictable ways. Sometimes people make resolutions to which they know they cannot hold, quitting smoking, for example, or “getting fit” (whatever the hell that means). Oftentimes these people couple these “insurmountable” resolutions with ones they actually could attain (drinking 64 fl oz {1.9 L} of water a day, for example) just so when they fail at the really hard one, they can give up on the reasonable ones. Self-fulfilling prophesy at its finest.

In recent years past, I thought that making vague resolutions would be easier. They did turn out to be easier to not accomplish. The vagaries of the non-well-defined resolutions lend themselves to quick failure. Any goal needs an implementable plan. Without a plan, the resolution is doomed to failure. “Doomed,” I say, “DOOOMED!!”

As I have stated before, numerous times, I am quite good at “nothing.” Since I am soo flipping good at nothing, I have determined that I shall resolve nothing this year. “Nothing,” I say, “NOTHING!!” The problem with resolving nothing is that when I do anything, I will have broken the resolution. Oh, the conundrum that is my tangled logic.

To recap:
It is my mom’s birthday today
I need to call her when I get home from work today
It is quite sad when the best thing you can do is nothing
Quite sad indeed
I need to come up with a topic for tomorrow’s 20 Questions Tuesday
I think Little Man is actively trying to sabotage my getting to work early
Mainly because he wants to be known as a “sapper”
Who doesn’t want to be know as a “sapper” though
Maybe I should resolve to be a “sapper?”
I could potentially be an emotional sapper
Methodically removing other people’s emotional defenses until they become blubbering piles of jelly
If I were to resolve anything this year, it would definitely be “I resolve to be an emotional sapper.”
So, tell me about your childhood…
Did I hear that there was some kind of game going on tonight?

20 Questions Tuesday: 24 - New Years

Today’s auspicious topic is “The New Year.” Yes, I know it sounds daunting, and yet cliché, but let’s look beyond those 2 sticking points and simply enjoy the majesty that will be 20 Questions Tuesday: 24 – New Years.

Thanks this week to Lord Pithy (I don’t make up what people wanna be called), Dustin, The Em, Info Diva, ACW, and Atmikha. To the questions---

1. Do you say "oh-7" or "aught-7"?
I wish I could pull off saying “aught-7” but I am not quite old enough just yet for that to sound right. I think I will start leaving the “oh” off and just call this year by “seven.”

2. Knowing of your obsession with Paris Hilton, what is your New Year's wish for her? Summarily, if Paris Hilton shaved her head, became a Buddhist nun, and withdrew from public life this year, would your contempt for her change?
I combined 2 people’s questions here. It seems that people have picked up on my distaste for Paris Hilton. Anyway, I could explain my distaste for her, but that would take too long, and no one really cares. So, I really wish happiness for her. True happiness. Now, I am under no delusion that she would understand if happiness came up and bit her ass, but I do wish it for her. (I typed “ass, but” tee hee)

The second part of the question: my contempt for her would change most definitely, because most of my contempt for her, is truly contempt for American society for making her into something.

3. "2007" on an upside-down calculator is "LOOZ." What portents for the New Year do you see in that?
I don’t know, but I cannot wait for the year 58008. That is going to be a great year!

4. Will this be the year your greatness is discovered?
Sadly, that year is 58008

5. What will Little Man's New Year's resolution be?
I asked him, and it had something to do with a crossing gate.

6. What the heck does "Old Lang Sine" or "Od Leng Fine" (or however you spell it) really mean anyway?
Okay, technically it is Auld Lang Syne. It translates directly as “old long since” and has been used more to mean “long ago,” or “days gone by.” “Old Lang Sine” I believe has something to do with the ratio of the length of the opposite side of a triangle and the hypotenuse and “Od Leng Fine,” I believe, is gibberish.

7. Is Dick Clark human? When Dick Clark's cybernetic exoskeleton finally gives out in the year 2145 AD, who will replace him?
No, Dick Clark is not nor has he ever been human. He is starting to falter though. It is kind of like going to the Hall of Presidents at Disney World right now. It is sad to see Abe all jerky and out of sync. The presidents are starting to look like the crappy animatronic animals a kid’s pizza place. Anyway… the Clark-bot has been going for a while, and could do with some over-hauling. That being said, he seems to have been all but replaced by the 2005 model Seacrest-bot.

8. Have you ever gone or want to go to Time's Square for New Year’s Eve?
Nope, and nope. I do not so much like people, and vast quantities of drunken people all tightly packed is even more of a dislike. One might even consider it something I loathe.

9. Do you remember your first New Year’s Eve kiss at midnight? We want to scoop.
Actually, it is pretty tame. My first New Year’s kiss was with Wifey during our first year of marriage. I just have not really been coupled and in the same city during the Holiday Season.

10. Of all the planned events and things that go on for New Year’s Eve, what's your most memorable one?
Sitting in the basement with 3 cases of water, 2 shotguns, and some Twizzlers to ring in 2000. I kid, I kid. We didn’t have any Twizzlers.

11. Do you think the traditional New Year's baby in a cloth diaper should be updated? Why isn't he/she in Pampers?
Some things don’t really need to be changed. In truth, cloth diapers are on the comeback, although there is not a diaper service in Columbus, Ohio. We looked into it when Little Man was a wee one. We are environmentally conscious, as long as we don’t have to clean up the mess.

12. Resolutions. Do you make (and keep) them?
I really don’t make resolutions so much, mainly because I don’t keep them. Last year my big resolution was to drink more water. Well… I am parched and have been so since March. So… Thirsty…

13. Any truth to the old wives tale that if you're single whoever you spend New Year's Eve with is who you'll spend most of the following year with?
I have not heard that old wives tale before. I do not put incredibly much credence in old wives tales though. This lack of credence is due mainly because my mom is an old wife and her tales suck, but also because her mom was an old wife and her tales were even worse.

14. Staying in to watch Dick Clark or shaking your booty out on the town? Will you let Little Man stay up ‘til Midnight?
Actually, Wifey and I went to a wonderful little party to ring the New Year in. We watched a grand total of 3 minutes of the “Rockin’ New Year’s Eve.” It was actually a little bit sad. Dick Clark was 2 seconds off from the count-down. He was still on 2 when the ball lit up. Little Man was asleep when all of this occurred. The only times that he has seen midnight are when he is sick.

15. Any traditions that you celebrate for the New Years that you wish to share with us?
I don’t really have any New Years traditions. It has become I sort of tradition to go to the party that we went to, but that is about it.

16. Do you prefer football or futbol on New Years Day?
I caught most of the Man City vs. Everton match up. Good Lord! That game was flat until Man City opened it up. After that, it was a pretty enjoyable game to watch. I saw a little of the Man U vs. Newcastle game, and I think Newcastle should be very happy to have escaped with a point.

17. What skill or possession would you like to acquire in 2007?
I could use some good ninja skills. That skill where the ninja sets off a small smoke bomb and then disappears, that is the one I want.

18. What happened in 2006 that you would like to take with you into the future?
Better relations with the Yeti. We are family, and should work to make a better life together for our children. Well, for Little Man and his gap-toothed drooling hairy half-cousins.

19. What ended in 2006 that you hope never to see again?
Joey

20. How close or far are you from the vision you had in 1995 of yourself at this age?
There is not enough room on the intertubes to go into how different my life is from what I envisioned when I was a junior in college.


To recap:
Happy 2007 everyone!
I have 3 non-resolution life changes I am working on
Pending on how they go, you might hear about them
Then again, you might not
Some of you might notice them on your own
I just got an email from Amazon.com offering me a special Weight Watchers… um… offer
Just what are they trying to say?
Not sure what is for dinner tonight

The New Year

Okay, here we go. A New Year’s Day post.

I hope everyone had happy and healthy New Year’s Eve celebration. We had a great time with good friends. I think it could only have been better if I did not have an annoying headache due to the climatic conditions. Note: I did not type “climactic conditions” because, well we weren’t in a movie of any sort (that we knew of) last night, and, honestly, if we were, it would have been a crappy movie. No protagonist, no antagonist, no conflict, no resolution. Crappy movie, if you ask me. Where was I? Oh yes, the climatic conditions here are miserable. It needs to be significantly colder so the humidity will go away. This weather just kills my weak weak sinuses.

Anyway… had I not had a headache for most the night, it would have been a much mor enjoyable evening for me. That would have helped. Oh, well, other than my aching head, it was a good time. T and E, the hosts, were great hosts.

Well, that is all I got right now.

To recap:
Happy New Year to all, even the people I do not like
You know who you are
Then again, maybe you don’t?
Mysterious…. I am mysterious
No really, I am quite mysterious
Tomorrow’s 20 Questions Tuesday will be about the New Year
Regular posting to resume tomorrow

Year End

What does one* write when one* is posting their last post for the year? Does one* do a yearly retrospective? Does one* look forward to the New Year? Does one* forgo a post all together and go straight to a recap? Does one* wax eloquent about the fickleness of the human concept of time and humanity’s primordial need to demark time into quantized measurable units? What exactly does one* do with the final post of a year?

I think one* should just get this post started already.

To completely disregard the entire end of year scenario, one*… er… I have decided that I shall buck all the trends for end of year posts and post about end of year posts. I will be illustrating Russell’s paradox. Via this post in a round about sort of way. You know, the whole scenario. The barber of a village (let’s call the village Seville) shaves every man who does not shave himself thing. Who shaves the baber?

Hey You! Welcome to my shop,
Let me cut your mop,
Let me shave your crop…. Daintily… daintily….

Hey You!
Why must you be vexed
Don’t look so perplexed,
Can’t you see you’re next.
Yes, you’re next!
You’re so next.

How about a nice close shave
Teach you whiskers to behave
Lots of lather
Lots of soap
Please hold still
Don’t be a dope
There is no use misbehaving
Can’t you see you need a SHAVE!

Umm, where was I? I could go on, but I won’t, although the cartoon is playing in my mind right now. I would like to think it is bragging, but the above quotes are from memory. Eat THAT! Oh yes, now to my post about posting. Looks like a Bunny shaves the barber in this instance...

Screw the post! I shall continue to quote from the book of Looney Tunes.

There, you’re nice and clean,
Athough you face looks like it
Might. Have. Gone. Through. A. ma-chine.

Ooooh, where do I get that Rabbit?
Oh, what do you want with that Rabbit?
Can’t you see that I’m much sweeter?
I’m your little Senorit-er.
You are just my type of guy,
Let me loosen your tie,
And I shall dance for you…

The opera devolves into a chase scene at this point.

To Recap:
It is going to be hard to remember to date things with 2007 next week
I will post something short and snarky on Monday
It will probably more about its shortness than its snarkishness
I love me some Rabbit of Seville
No really, all from memory
I have not even checked it with lyrics.com so there could be some errors
Th-Th-Th-Th
That’s all folks!
Happy 2006
Have a great and safe weekend everybody



* - “One” being defined as “SRH” in these instances

20 Questions Tuesday: 23 - Christmas, the aftermath

Ah, Christmas, you have come in and gone like a thief in the night. I trust everyone is doing well and those of us who celebrate Christmas came out like the robber-barons of yore. Today’s topic is about the aftermath of the holiday. The big sigh after a feast. Thanks this fine New Year’s Eve’s Eve’s Eve’s Eve’s Eve go to IC Yellow, ACW, Pithboy, Popo, The Em, and Wifey.

Here come the questions:

1. How old were you when you stopped believing in Santa?
I honestly do not remember. I would guess around 6 or 7, but I probably started suspecting around 5. Kindergarden does wonders for a kid's knowledgebase.

2. What time did Little Man get you up Christmas morning?
Little Man let us sleep until 8:30. We think his natural schedule is asleep by 10:00 pm and awake by 8:30 am. Sadly, that is not the schedule that he is usually on. My sleep schedule would be 2 am to 10 am, but being in the daytime workforce puts the kibosh on my natural schedule.

3. Why do kids think they are entitled to everything they ask from Santa?
Because they are kids. Little Man got a new spiral train track, 3 engines, 7 freight cars and 1 caboose yesterday, and all he could ask was “Where Norfolk Southern engine?”

4. Why/how can one gift (bad) change the mood of a kid, when they really liked everything else?
Kid’s are fickle. They epitomize the “What have you done for me lately” credo. While most of the presents could be kick-ass, one crappy pair of burgundy socks from their grandma in Florida when all they really wanted was some McDonald’s gift certificates. I mean come on Grandma… I was 10 years old. What 10 year old wears burgundy socks? Couldn’t you have at least gotten a color that is useable? Burgundy? Don’t waste your money on socks that I will never wear, that just doesn’t make any sense… ummm next question please.

5. Are you spending anytime this week returning gifts?
Nope, but both Wifey and I are awaiting some presents to be delivered though.

6. Did Little Man receive anything that would break his obsession with trains?
I am not sure such a thing exists.

7. What was your favorite gift this year (and not "time with the family eating")?
Everyone wants to know what the favorite gift was, and what the worst gift was. The thing about Christmas when you have a kid who starts to get the whole idea that he is getting gifts, is that the best gift I got was seeing Little Man open up his gifts. How's that for a schmaltzy father answer?

8. I got a glass kiln for Christmas. Now I can begin different fusing and slumping projects. I know this isn't a question, but I'm very excited about it. How annoying do you expect me to be about it?
Does one really need a kiln to start slumping? I am currently slumping happily away in my chair with nary a kiln in sight.

9. Yes it's pretty, but don't you hate the new mylar wrapping paper? It just doesn't rip and tear like the traditional paper of my youth.
I think it is a tragedy when one cannot rend their paper into unrecognizable tatters. Mylar takes scissors to make tatters.

10. If you could have found one lost toy from your childhood under the tree this year, which would it be?
Hmmmm… this is a tough one because my toys were kind of crappy. My brother and I did get a nice TYCO rail-less race track though. I would have to go with that.
11. If you had found world peace under the tree, what would it have looked like?
I am sure it would have been furry and cuddly, but probably not house-trained.

12. What gift would you have liked to put under Paris Hilton's tree?
A son of a Greek shipping magnate. Eventhough I think she is symptomatic to what is wrong with our society, I hold her no malice. If more money would and aa rich Greek jerk would make her happy, I think that is what she should get for Christmas, especially if it would keep her out of the limelight so I don't have to hear or see her ever again.

13. Why am I sooo tired right now after Christmas, shouldn't I be well rested???
Christmas is a like alchohol. It is great fun to celebrate, but if you have too much, things can go sour and fast. Everything is merry and bright. Gifts are shiny and lovely and it is great fun tearing into the packaging to reveal the love that has been given to you. So right now you are having the Christmas hang-over. Sounds like you had a great Christmas!

14. Why do we use so much darn wrapping paper for Christmas presents????
It is pretty.

15. When wrapping is a bow really necessary or does it just get in the way of the paper carnage?
To me, it depends on how long the package is going to be under the tree. If one is going to go through the trouble of really decorating a gift with all sorts of fancy schmancy bows and ribbon, and sprigs of holly and such, then that gift should be under the tree for as long as humanly possible. Conversely, if you are wrapping ht e night before… bow is not necessary.

16. What time is the proper time to open gifts...right after midnight or in the morning?
Midnight is technically “in the morning.”

17. Why do people ask what "your favorite gift" is? You have had them all under 24 hours, sometimes under 24 minutes, and you are already suppose to pass judgments on each gift....unless its money which automatically wins! What is the PC way to answer when all the gift givers are in the same room???? AHHH!!!!
People always think their gift was the best and just want to hear that. I think it is a bit cruel of them to put you on the spot like that. I would look at the person who asked you and say, "All the gifts I got were pretty good except {insert name of the gift the person gave you here}." The PC answer is, “Oh, I don’t think I can choose just one, all of my gifts were all so thoughtful and wonderful.” ** Author's note: That one was hard to even think, much less type out.

18. Why is it that after hours and hours of shopping and wrapping and sooo much build up that Christmas is over in a matter of minutes?
Isn’t that the way of many things. One must be careful not to over-hype their own holidays, lest they become a Dean Devlin Godzilla.

19. Why am I at work the day after Christmas? We get the day after Thanksgiving off, I think the same should go for Christmas.
At least where I work, if people have the hours in their PTO bank, they are not here. Most people, if they can, tend to take off the week between Christmas and New Years. I hate Those people, but it is a hate born of envy, not loathing. That makes it okay, right?

20. Anything you regret getting Little Man this year?
Not yet, but I am sure there will be something that will come back to bite me in the ass.

To recap:
This was a difficult Christmas Eve and Christmas night for Little Man
In exchange for Santa giving him gifts, Little Man had to give Santa all his pacifiers
It was not pretty
Mimma is a saint
I am tired and this weather is giving me a pounding headache
Next week’s 20 questions will be on the topic of New Years
I have to get back to work
Right after I eat some lunch
Shrimp Fettuccini
mmmmmmmm

Yeti responds

I got a response from the Yeti this morning, and well, it changed my life. It changed it thoroughly.

From: the Yeti [mailto:the Yeti@xxxxx.xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, December 21, 2006 10:58 AM
To: SRH
Subject: RE: Contact

Mr. SRH.

I appreciate the “effort”, but there is no way that our relationship can be reconciled. There is too much hurt and pain in our past for us to ever overcome.

Let’s count a few of the examples: Some of the reasons (but not all of the reasons) SRH hates the yeti:

1. Being pelted with squirrel entrails while performing on stage during the 3 rd grade Christmas play
2. During 5 th grade, the Yeti would steal his lunch money on the walk to school.
3. Being pelted by squirrel entrails while playing soccer
4. Urinating in his canteen during his Boy Scout camping trips


I could have eaten you many times in the past but I have decided to let you plump up some before I make a meal out of you. Soon I will be ripping you limb to limb and enjoying a fine meal. On a side note, you don’t need to work out. Your body is in fine shape. For me to eat.

If you are asking me to let bygones be bygones, maybe you do
not fully understand why I have spent my life plotting against you. Maybe
mommy never told you the story of the yeti….

It was back in the early 60’s and there was a young naïve college student at Kent State. She was very much under the stress that a normal college student experiences. She was also very experimental and was always looking to try something new. One night at a frat party, she had had a little too much to drink and spotted a very attractive, hairy Yeti outside, eating a stray dog. She was of course intrigued and ran outside to talk to the beast. Being the drunk experimental freak she was, she invited the Yeti back to her dorm room and ended up having the greatest night of her life. She immediately became very possessive and started talking about growing old together, so the Yeti bolted out the back door when she fell asleep. Nine months later, I was born. Mom was embarrassed about her drunken rendezvous and dropped me off in the woods to be raised by wolves.

She wanted nothing to do with me. It was at this time she met a new man who wanted to settle down and start a family. They moved to Mississippi and had your full-brother. Then after moving around to dodge me (YES! I found them every time. Stow, Ohio, Albany, New York, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma) you popped out in Oklahoma. Yes SRH, we are half brothers!!!

Mom always loved you more and I will kill you for that.

And if you think I am afraid of Little Man, I am truly not. I do not blame my nephew and I always carry a spare train set in my backpack just in case we meet. Even if he is blood hungry (like his uncle yeti), he will quickly be distracted when I pull that shiny engine out of the backpack. May squirrel entails fall from the sky on you this holiday.

The Yeti


From: SRH [mailto:SRH@xxxxx.xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, December 21, 2006 11:20 AM
To: the Yeti
Subject: RE: Contact

Yeti...

I... I.... never
knew. Wow. I really don't know what to say. It does explain your rather short stature for a yeti and your prematurely graying hair though...

Yeti, had I known, I would have made this overture of peace earlier.

Don't make me destroy you. You do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end end this destructive conflict these destructive hippos and bring order to the galaxy. Don't tell me, that I’ll you'll never join me! Because if you only knew the power of the Dark Side hippo slaying. Obi-Wan Mommy never told you me what appened to with your father. He told me enough! It was you who killed him. No. Yeti, I am your father half-brother.

Let's call this pointless feud off. I cannot commit fratricide, even if it is mythological fratricide. I will not abide my child hating his half-uncle. I am truly and deeply sorry for the strife between us. Do not hate me because of my mother's love. It really
wasn't all that much to write home about.

Let's let bygones be bygones and eradicate hippo-kind together.

Your brother... well Half-Brother
--SRH

Now, I only have one enemy.

Onto other matters, here is the Christmas card we sent out this year.


Happy Holidays everyone!

To Recap:
Great! How much Grecian Formula does a Yeti need?
No really?!?
If we team up, you can kiss the Hungry Hungry Hippos good bye
I still need stocking stuffers for Wifey
I am on a quest for last minute train purchases
I had a crab cake sammich for lunch
It was tasty
I will most likely not be posting on Monday for some reason
Have a great weekend and enjoyable holiday (for those observing)

20 Questions Tuesday: 21- Christmas Time is Here -- Again

Here it is, Tuesday again, and we are all Christmassy. Thanks this week go to Nadolny, Dustin, Wifey, Atmikha, and Peefer.

On to the Questions!


1. Do you put up a tree? If so, do you have a tradition on how you hunt, kill and return the tree home?
Our home is all treed up. We have our Christmas tree in the dining room this year. It is in the back corner and overflowing with Little Man presents.

2. If you could “buy” a positive personality trait for Christmas, what one would you get for yourself? Wifey? Little man?
Myself: Cleanliness (that is a personality trait, right?)
Wifey: She is perfect (did I answer that one right, Wifey?)
Little Man: Patience. He is all about the instant gratification thing

3. Do you have the same types of food for your Christmas each year?
Oh, most definitely! We are food obsessed traditionalists. On Christmas Eve we typically have a shrimp dish that is oooooh sooo tastey, for Christmas morning we have Cinnamon Rolls, and for Christmas dinner I will refer you to Question 8.

4. What have you decided to tell or not tell Little Man about Santa?
We are firm believers in lying to our child to get him to behave better for small amounts of time. If a story of an immortal fat guy living on the Arctic polar ice sheet with a bunch of elves who make toys will keep him in line, then of course we use it. Just like we use Magnur, the Summer Solstice troll to keep him in line for most of May and June. Really, we play up Santa to him, but since he knows (and we constantly reassure him) that he is a good boy, we do not lord it over him.

5. Do you think that little man will play with anything besides his new trains? Did you even try to tempt him with other toys? Why bother trying? (this is all one question, btw)
Train stuff will be the bulk of his Christmas gifts, but we do try to get him interested in other toys as well. There are these magnetic toys we are trying to get him interested in. It is a fruitless hope, but still a hope.

6. Does your family drink egg nog?
With Little Man being allergic to eggs, nope.

7. Gifts on Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning?
We give 1 gift on Christmas Eve, and it is always pajamas. They are the special Christmas Pajamas for the year. The rest of the presents are opened infuriatingly late on Christmas Morning.

8. Ham or Turkey for Christmas dinner?
For Christmas Dinner we have a standing rib roast. Mmmmmmmm Beeeeeeef. It’s what’s for dinner.

9. Is their Christmas Caroling involved?
Sweet mother of God, NO!

10. Do you set mistletoe traps in the house?
Yes, and one day, oh, yes, one day I will trap, kill, skin, tan, and wear the hide of the elusive mistletoe! It really isn’t as if there is a mistletoe infestation in the house though, so setting traps hasn’t seemed to work. Maybe if I set the traps with the succulent meat of the pink bellied snipe bird, the mistletoe could be enticed into the traps. That’s it! A snipe hunt it is! If I could only find my yard or shoreline…

11. When your son comes back home from First Grade one day, looking shaken, and asks you if Santa Claus is true, what will you tell him?
Oh, Magnur the Summer Solstice Troll, is going to be sooo unhappy!

12. Which claymation Christmas Specials best captures the True Spirit of Christmas?
I like the story of Santa Claus one. Where Santa starts out as a svelte red-headed young man. Basically I like watching Santa age, it makes me feel better about my slower wasteline expansion.

13. How long has it been since you have tasted a Dolly Madison cupcake?
A very very long time.

14. What is your earliest Christmas memory?
I would sleep on my brother’s floor on Christmas Eve and we would stay up talking well into the wee hours of Christmas morning. He was typically the first person that I would say Merry Christmas to on Christmas Morning.

15. Which is your favorite of your mother's Christmas ornaments?
Hmmmm… I imagine you are asking me which, of all the home-made ornaments I made for her, do I like most. Honestly, there is one that is framed in popsicle sticks with a pic of me when I was 4.

Yep, that's me at 4. That one makes me smile whenever I see it.

16. Why is there a tree in your house? Seriously: there is a TREE in your HOUSE. It's not even real. It's a synthetic representation of a tree in your house. Think about it.
I believe the faux tree in my house is there to hold the Christmas tree lights. Duh, what else it is for? It is a delivery mechanism for small incandescent bulbs. Although the new LED lights ar4e pretty cool (from this geek’s perspective, not cool enough to purchase mind you, but cool nonetheless).

17. Caspar, Melchior, or Balthazar. Who is the most wise?
King Thaz! Baby! That guy was a wise ass beyond compare. He was the life of the nativity party. Not the drunk shepherds, like most people think. Did you know that the movie Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo is loosely based on the life of Balthazar. It was ‘Thaz that first said, “The Kings of Kings is Whack!”

18. At what point in life did you realize that the manger is just an eating trough and not the whole A-frame shack?
It was fairly early on because I saw a few Nativities that did not include the A-Frame barn that is so often… umm… framing them

19. What did Christ do after Christmas? You know, for the first twenty-five years or so.
My bet is that until about 13 he exclusively annoyed the crap out of Mary and Joseph. After that, he was making cabinets and tables and annoying Mary and Joseph.

20. What is the farthest North you've traveled?
Edinburgh, Scotland. That is the furthest north I have been. Capt. McArmypants and I were there in June, and it was light until about 11 pm. Crazy stuff.


Top recap:
Capt. McArmypants is 33 today
I need some sleep
Orange Rice for dinner tonight
Little Man will be quite pleased
I am not sure, as of yet, what next week’s questions will be about
Probably something not about Christmas at all
I still need to find some new music that I like
Almost ready to post something new on the Drawing Board
It is raining today
In December
In Ohio
Rain?!?!
WTF?? Come on Weather. Get your act together!

Christmas Gifts

I have no idea what I want for Christmas. This is a problem of mine. Every year when December rolls around I come up against this wall. I have no idea what I would like for Christmas. No idea whatsoever. While it sucks for me, it is really bad for Wifey and her mom as they attempt to find gifts for me. They constantly ask me what I want, and I constantly have no idea.

I think my lack of gift ideas for myself stems back to my childhood. My parents abstained from comforts and didn’t spend much money on anything whilst I was growing up – and they passed this tendency toward self-deprivation onto their children. Well, not both of their children. My brother has been known to buy a $400 sweater, but I balk at spending more than $50 for one.

Both of my parents came from households where, while they were not poor, money was pretty tight, and so they have never allowed themselves to have anything nice. For example, the sofa that they have is one that they got as a wedding gift 41 years ago. That’s right, they haven’t replaced their couch in 41 years. “They just don’t make them like they used to,” says my miserly father. No, Dad, they don’t, no one uses stone and un-tanned animal skins now. They were incensed when they had to replace their 18 year old microwave oven. It was the size of a steamer trunk, and took forever to “cook” anything. It was the premier technology of 1981, though. And when their refrigerator finally gave up the ghost it had been in the house since before they signed the mortgage 28 years earlier.

All that is pretty sad, actually, but let’s get back to me.

I was never taught to think about getting stuff. I wear the hell out of clothes. I am still using a cell phone from 4 years ago. I have been trained not to think of new things for myself. In fact, I remember one time …

Fade out SRH at his work desk…

Fade in...*

…Young SRH is sitting at the kitchen table. The same kitchen table he has sat at for the past 12 years. His seat has a tear in the cushion, the same tear in the cushion that has been there for 9 years.
Hey, Mom? I was wondering if for Christmas, this year, you could get meTron on tape?
But, you already have that copy that the Hendersons made for you when they taped it off of HBO.
Yeah, I was kinda wondering if I could get a copy that wasn’t grainy or didn’t have sync issues with the audio.
Your video still works, you don’t need a new one.
Speaking of HBO, Mom, maybe we could get cable this year?
Cable?!? We are not paying to watch TV! But I will grow up never having watched Fraggle Rock…

Fade out young SRH at his dilapitated kitchen table

Fade in SRH at his work desk**

… I just have no idea what I would like for Christmas because those thoughts have been slowly eroded out of my system by long nights on a lumpy couch with only 3 television channels. Maybe when I have been married for longer than I lived with my parents, I will finally figure out how to come up with a Christmas list.

Any ideas to share?

To Recap:
I have a terrible time coming up with Christmas gifts for myself
Maybe a Graphire 4?
How about some S H O E S?
I need 2 CD’s from A Perfect Circle?
So accessories for the Nano I got last year?
As evidenced by yesterday’s post’s comments, my blog facilitates free and open communication between couples
That makes me proud
Little Man is going to be unhappy when we put his Thomas pajamas in the laundry tonight
They are a little ripe smelling at the moment
3 nights and 1 day seems to be the limit that his poor ‘jammies can take before Wifey and I have to condemn them to the hamper
Maybe my love for Tron can be directly traced to my parents’ unwillingness to buy me a copy, it’s an “I made it” kind of feeling
No really, if you have any ideas for Christmas gifts for me, I’ll take them

*the sitcom flashback sequence is harder to do in a blog than I would have thought
** no, really!

20 Questions Tuesday: 20 - Christmas Time is Here

Here we are in December. The Holiday shopping month. The month that contains within its mere 31 days, Christmas. Without getting into the mythos of Christmas or whether it happened the way the Bible tells the story or not, or whether one is Christian or not, everyone has to acknowledge the fact that this is the Christmas Season and respect the amount of hoop-lah that accompanies this season. So without further ado, thanks to Capt. McArmypants, Info Diva, Bomber, and Dr B-Dawg. Here come the questions.


1. Secret Santa? WTF!?!?!?
I know, everyone gets Ted’s name in the Secret Santa program. I think we should stop letting Ted put the names in the hat.

2. Why doesn’t anyone wassail anymore?
I think it is due to the fact that one really only goes wassailing among the leaves so green,” but there are few places in the Northern Hemisphere during December that have green leaves. Heck, even in ‘Bama the leaves have fallen by that time.

3. “Scrooged” or Capra/Jimmy Stewart's masterpiece, “It’s a Wonderful Life”?
Honestly, I like Scrooged better. It is funnier, and that is why I like it more. One cannot beat the upbeat ending associated with It’s a Wonderful Life though. Well, except for the fact that Scrooged the song number, Put a Little Love in Your Heart, with the Solid Gold dancers.

4. Is it really the thought that counts? I mean. Sure in some circumstances, but as a universal maxim?
Typically the people who hold true to the maxim, “It’s the thought that counts,” are of 2 ilks. The first are the people who really didn’t put much thought into the gift and just threw something together. The second people are the ones who got a less than wanted gift but decide to be gracious about it because the gifter really did try. So for the first, no, and the second “Yes.”

5. How do you feel about the tradition of hiding pickles on Christmas Trees? Why pickles?
I am not big on that tradition, I think it is German in origin. Ummm… having Wiki’ed it, It is not German. For a run down of the tradition without speaking to its origins: On Christmas Eve the parents put a glass pickle ornament on the tree, and the first of the kids who finds this ornament on the tree on Christmas morning gets a special present.

6. Why do guys not like to buy jewelry as presents for women? What's so hard about picking out a bracelet or necklace?
It can be rather expensive to buy real jewelry. I think that is part of it. On top of that there is also a reluctance to purchase an expensive gift ( I am assuming you meant “real jewelry” and not costume) and see it relegated to the special occasions box.

7. When is a person too old to sit on the Mall Santa's lap for a festive photo?
When they are older than Santa. I would say that is a good rule of thumb.

8. Why leave cookies and milk for Santa? Does a kid get better gifts if the snack is pizza? Or an adult beverage?
I imagine Little Man’s presents under the tree would be better if he left a Mama Mimi’s: Mama’s Favorite Chicken Pizza and some Killian’s for Santa.

9. I love 80s music. But what possessed Billy Idol to record a holiday album?
The Christmas Spirit grabbed Billy Idol, whilst he was dancing with himself, no doubt, and shook the album out of him. I do not know whether or not he adds a hard edge to the songs, but he seems to have made it for his friends and family.

10. What's your favorite Christmas movie/cartoon/special?
This is a tough one, but I think 2 of the three can be summed up with How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I love the TV Special and the Boris Karloff version of the song. The Ron Howard movie from a few years ago was quite weak.

11. Adam Sandler's Hanukah song...your thoughts?
I think Adam Sandler is a bit over-rated. By “a bit” I do mean, vastly. All of his songs are not impressive to me. They really do tend to be mediocre at best. His shtick is to be sophomorically amusing, and it does not translate well into his ode to Hanukah. His forced rhymes are not funny, and his falsetto voice is annoying. He is unable to keep a straight face during his musical interludes because he either feels that they are incredibly witty, or (more likely), he can’t believe that people find his shit funny.

12. What's the best Christmas gift you received as a child? As an adult?
Child: One I remember clearly to this day. I was probably 6 year old when I got a Godzilla bendy toy. I loved that thing all the way to the point where his head torn free of the wire “skeleton.”
Adult: Hmmm, I would have to say the Looney Tunes Chess Set given to me by my parents my super-Senior year of college.

I have to clarify this a bit though. You see, my parents are quite possibly the worst gift givers ever (as long as I do not consider my grandparents from my dad’s side of the family). I believe I have expounded upon their gift giving prowess before and how it is necessary to open their gifts prior to Christmas morning so that the rest of the Christmas Day is not completely ruined. I typically get every thoughtful and wonderful gifts from Wifey and Mimma, but I, alas, have come to expect reasonable to wonderful gifts from those 2. It makes it difficult to choose one of their gifts, whereas the vinyl pike smoke infused green table cloth gift givers actually sending something nice…. It was a surprise to get something that I actually wanted.

13. What puts you in the holiday spirit (if you get "in the spirit" at all)? It's okay if your answer is an alcoholic beverage!
An alcoholic beverage… Well, actually it is seeing Wifey get into the spirit of the holiday. She and Mimma really love Christmas, and that tends to buoy me up as well.

14. If you could be anywhere in the world on the morning of December 25th this year, where would you be and who would be there with you?
My house with Wifey and Little Man - and that is what I am doing.

15. To settle this matter once and for all (unless you supply the wrong answer), who sings better Christmas songs, Bing Crosby or Burl Ives?
Honestly (and I await the vitriol filled diatribe about to be heaped upon me by Capt. McArmypants) I find Burl to have a better catalogue of songs. Although, as a caveat, the duet of Bing and Bowie for Little Drummer Boy is out of this world surreal goodness.

16. Do you use an angel or star to top the tree?
A star but sadly not the Death Star. I have always wanted to say, “This is not merely a tree topper. Now witness the power of this fully armed and operational battle station!”

17. Real or fake tree?
Fake, too much cleaning associated with the real ones.

18. As a kid, what was more likely on Christmas morning, opening a gift to be ecstatic that you got what you wished for or opening a gift and wondering if some stranger crept into your house and switched your gifts for things you would have never asked?
Not so much that, but I never understood why my grandparents would think that getting maroon socks was appropriate. I was a kid for goodness sake! Just a KID! Kids should get toys for Christmas, not maroon socks.

19. Pro or anti egg nog?
I loved the pre-made egg nog that the local milk distributor in Birmingham, Alabama made. Barber’s Egg Nog was amazing. I could take down a full quart of that in one sitting. I have not been able to find anything that comes close to the taste. It is one few things I miss from Alabama.

20. What do you use as your seasonal slogan: Season's Greetings, Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas....
In person I tend to say “Happy Holidays” or “Merry Christmas,” but in written correspondence I tend to stick with “Happy Holidays.”


To Recap:
I definitely have enough questions to carry this topic forward to next week as well
Overheard from Little Man: It’s okay, Leopard. I know you want to play on the bed, but we’re going downstairs now
Leopard is his favorite stuffed animal
Wifey’s on me to get cracking on designing the Christmas cards
Helluva good dip is evil, even when it’s dressed up in pretty holiday packaging.
I’m having trouble developing my Christmas gift list
No such trouble is being had by Little Man and Wifey
Looks like we are having faux pizza for dinner tonight
That means I need to go and get some faux cheese
Happy Holidays!

mmmm Feast!

So Thanksgiving is upon us, but instead of the obligatory “What I am thankful for” post I am simply going to write our menu.

Main Courses:

• Turkey
• Ham

Side Dishes:

• Mashed Potatoes
• Fat Back Green Beans
• Corn
• Stuffing (2 kinds, Bob Evans Stuffing Sausage, and some green olive-y stuffing that Wifey makes us fix every year.)

Desserts

• Iced pumpkin bars

Mmmmm Thanksgiving

To recap:
Everyone have a nice weekend
B-Dawg and Capt. McArmypants are here and enjoying the holiday
The eggless and dairyless pumpkin pie did not work out
I don’t want to talk about it
It wasn’t pretty

Day before the feast

Ah, the day before the feast of feasts. The day that is spent running arund to various grocery stores in search of last minute ingredients. I love this day. So far I have been to 2 grocery stores and a spice store. That’s right. A spice store. Looks like I will be attempting an eggless dairyless pumpkin pie tonight, and then trying to get my Hunter up to level 20. It is a hard road I travel.

Little Man was absolutely ecstatic about his mama coming home, and only a little confused as to who and why Capt. McArmypants was here. All he knows is that “Uncle Capt. McArmypants is silly silly." We have no idea how many times he will be uttering that throughout the rest of his life. Really kid, you don't know the half of it.

I am not at work today, so that makes me happy. This post is going to be rather short, because Little Man is now up from his nap and terrorizing Uncle Capt. McArmypants. I think I might just wait a bit to increase McArmypants’s agony…

To recap:
I will post tomorrow, but most of you won’t read it
B-Dawg gets into town tomorrow, even though today is his birthday
Happy Birthday B-Dawg!
My post tomorrow will basically be a menu
Mmmmmmmmmmm menu
I need a shower
I have no idea what we are having for dinner
Probably something with chicken
Maybe steamed chicken
Mmmmm steamed chicken

Halloween: the aftermath

So for the second year running of Little Man’s 3 + years of existence, he has decided to abstain from the Halloween festivities. Wifey and I cannot really fault him on this one though. I think the lack of Halloweenieness exhibited by Little Man can be directly attributed to Wifey and my lack of interest in the candy laden “holiday.”

Firstly, can we really consider it a holiday? No one gets work off - not even government workers. Schools are still in session. The “festivities” really only last for a couple of hours. There is substantially more build up to this “holiday” then there is “holiday.” No one travels to different areas to partake of the Halloween activities. No one travels out of town the following day to visit grandma’s and Trick-or-Treat there. There is not a big meal “to-do” built into the “holiday.” It really is not that holiday-ish. It is like a big excuse for families to take a walk together (Yeah! Way to exercise!) and get candy for doing so (Boo! Counteracting the exercise!). The whole process is over in 2 – 2 ½ hours. That’s it. If you tack on the time it takes to sort the candy into its 2 respective groups: formed sugar (suckers, gum, pixie sticks, taffy-esque candy) and chocolate (candy bars), you might be able to stretch the time frame to 3 hours. There are sub-groups of these 2 categories to be sure, but I am not talking about them. Eating the spoils of the stroll through the neighborhood could last for some time, but that really isn’t considered part of the “holiday,” it is merely considered gluttony on a grand scale.

Okay, As you can tell my opinion of this “holiday” isn’t too stellar. For the purposes of clarity, Wifey’s opinion about Halloween really cannot be discussed in civilized society without many a ‘bleep’ and other sound effects. I also feel for clarification purposes I need to expound on the fact that the reasons that we do not like the day have no religious overtones to the level of dislike/hate that we exhibit towards Halloween. Our dislike/hate really is based on our own petty grievances about the day. As far as I know both Wifey and I do not have a deep seeded memory of some painful memory associated with Halloween. My uncle was not involved in some sort of bloody ritualistic slaying on All Hallow’s Eve in 1986. Wifey never found her neighbor dead in the front lawn due to a murderous psycho rampage of a masked serial killer who blamed it all on the holiday. We honestly do not have any significant reasons to dislike the day, but we do.

So, all in all, Little Man is not being bombarded with positive messages surrounding the day in the first place. He is not getting any amount of hype to build his expectations for the neighborhood event. He has no reason to look forward to the celebration of Halloween. He has no reason to look forward to dressing up and prancing around the neighborhood to collect allergens in a bag we will only have to throw away so he doesn’t eat something and react to it. Hint to all the parents out there who do not have kids with a peanut allergy: Peanut allergy is the most likely food allergy to exhibit a virulent anaphylactic reaction. Do not give out candy on Halloween that has peanuts in it! I REPEAT: DO NOT GIVE CANDY ON HALLOWEEN THAT HAS PEANUTS IN IT!!! This includes, but is not limited to the cute little bite sized Snickers bars. No one gives out bee stings for Halloween, because people can die from them! Think about it…

Anyway… to make a long story laborious and over explained, Little Man did not dress up nor did he Trick-or-Treat. On top of that he did not want anyone in the household to have anything on associated with a costume. It looks like we have trained him well…

To recap:
To the 15 year olds out there who were Trick-or-Treating:
A mask and what you wore to school that day do not constitute a costume
That is called wearing a mask
But at least you wore a mask and did not just take the pillowcase off your pillow like your jerky friend you brought with you so they could fill it up with candy
Leave some candy for the 6 year old girl dressed up like Bat-Man
She deserves it!
Not only for jumping out of gender stereotypes, but also for actually caring and being sweet
Okay, back to the recap
I think we are having steamed chicken tonight
Which is also what I will have for lunch tomorrow
Good luck to all the NaNoWriMo people out there
I know there are a few of you who read this here blog

20 Questions Tuesday 15: The Halloween Blogaversary

Okay for the 2 nd Blogaversary edition of 20 Questions Tuesday I cast the question net as wide as I could. So this week I need to thank the following people: I.C. Yellow, Bomber, Capt. Mc Armypants, ACW, Peefer, B-Dawg, the Em, Lsig, Nadolny, Der Keiselbach, Dr. Civil, and Belsum.

Here’s to many more years and 20 Questions Tuesdays

1 Has anyone ever startled you with their knowledge of your blog? Someone with whom you had not shared the "link"?
There was one person at work that I had not given the address to that found out about the blog. He is not necessarily a bad person, just someone that I don’t really know well enough to let him into the inner circle of those who are “in on” the whole blog thing.

2 Have you ever gotten into any kind of trouble over something you've written?
I do my best not to write anything controversial, but there was a post that really bothered one of my wife’s friends. It caused some tension for a little bit, but is resolved now.

3 Do your parents or other family members read your blog?
No one from my family of childhood reads the blog. I have said waay too many disparaging things about them, for me to tell them about it.

4 If your blog were to be published, what would the title be? No using "under construction"!!!
Ummm…. I would go with my much unread tagline, “Musings of a Life Less Extraordinary.”

5 So men can dress up. Women can dress up. Women however are voluntarily split into two separate camps. Sexy and and just plain dressup. So I understand the sexy cop, sexy vampire, sexy nurse and most of the other "sexy" whatever costumes. Its Holloween whatever. My question is Sexy Mummy? Maybe this is just a Fruedian thing, but this just does nothing for me. Why would you go try to go for decaying undead sexy when you could go with eternally young undead, aka vampire. I mean who thinks they have the chops to go for Sexy AND decaying undead. Its one or the other RIGHT?!?
I believe you are correct, there is no such thing as a sexy mummy. No such thing.

6 Have you matured as a blogger these past 2 years?
I would like to think so, but I believe you, the readers, are better able to gauge that

7 What can we expect from the next year?
Expect nothing, and I will not let you down.

8 You spend many hours in life rendering beautiful pictures (or at least your computer does). So why is your blog layout so plain?
I have never made the time to really get into the nuts and bolts of how the frames and set up of the template works. I might see about doing something up for the whole template thing this year. It has become a little on the stale side.

9 Do you ever blog drunk? Which is to really ask: do you ever drink at work? Why the hell not?
I wish! Drinking would make the work day go sooooo much faster with all the passed outness. I am afraid of what would be scrawled on my face with indelible marker though…

10 Do you ever feel the burden of writing a regular blog, knowing that an expecting public will be checking for it later that day?
It actually is an issue that I have to deal with. There is an expectant public, and they expect me to be funny and post early. They are typically horribly incorrect.

11 Has the blog made you more of a sexy beast?
You have to ask? You bet your Sweet Bippy I am more of a sexy beast now! Blogging just exudes sexiness!

12 Can we expect any great changes in the blog given the turn of a new blogging year?
I think a new template is in order.

13 Do you admit to people in your real life that you blog? (Wifey doesn't count)
If blogging comes up in regular conversation, sure. But I don’t go out of my way to tell people about my blog.

14 Has this 20-questions thing really made it that much easier?
In some ways “yes,” and in some ways “no.” Sometimes the hardest thing about this blog is coming up with a topic. The 20 Questions Tuesdays allow me to just bounce off of others’ questions instead of making up a topic in a vacuum.

15 How many people regularly read your blog (same peeps)? what is the average number of readers per day (regulars and others)? Which Countries are now represented in your readership? Any from Transylvania? Where are the mythical beasts from your blog located (Country)?
There are about 40 people who visit Mondays through Thursdays when I actually post, on Friday trhough Sunday I am lucky to get 20 hits per day. Of all of those, I would say that I have about 25 people who consistently visit and I would consider “regulars.”
US, Canada, England, and Uruguay are what I would consider my consistent reading nations. I have been looked at by tons of different countries though, but nothing repetitive like with those 4.
I have only had 1 view ever from someone in Romania.
The Yeti is from Nepal.

16 If everyone wore costumes to your blogaversary, what would some of the regulars dress as in your little mind?
Hmmm:
I will go through the list of folks who sent me questions for today:
IC Yellow = A man, baby!
Bomber = Cosette from the Broadway musical Les Miserables
Capt. McArmypants = A spider monkey. Not a chimp, a little annoying spider monkey
ACW = Part-time hobby store employee
*Peefer = an otter (don't know why, but that is how he would come dressed)
*B-Dawg = Buckaroo Banzai
The Em = Probably a cheerleader
Lsig = Enterprise A crew member
Nadolny = Teddy Roosevelt (except with a cigar)
Der Kieselbach = Ram Man
Dr Civil = a caber tosser (compensation perhaps?)
Belsum = Enterprise D crew member
Wifey = Sex Kitten (but that isn’t a costume)
Oh, and I take offense to your phrase "your little mind." Tons of offense.

17 What do you feel your crowning achievement in blogging is?
My blog got quoted in a paper.

18 What will you do now that you are no longer the number one search result for hippo enemy?
Besides sulk? Well, even if I am no longer the no. 1, I will still try to carry out my duties as hippo enemy to the fullest of my abilities. Does a Miss America who loses her crown ever really stop being Miss America to herself? I don't think so. It takes determination and grit to reclaim one's dignity when it has been stripped away.

19 Which blog is cooler, yours or your wife's?
My blog uses more blues and cool greens than Wifey’s. Her palette is more of a warm tonal palette. So I would say that my blog definitely uses “cooler” colors.

20 What is your blog dressing as for Halloween?
A Tartan

To Recap:
I will be getting rid of the tartan background of the blog with tomorrow’s post
Happy Halloween all
Thanks for all the questions
Sorry I did not use them all, but I figured 2 weeks of Blogaversary questions would get really tiresome
Little Man has some kind of Thomas costume
I doubt that he will wear it
I am be-kilted today as well
No one will walk behind me on the stairs
Wool can be itchy
Glad I am not wearing wool underwear
I have work to do, and have wasted enough time on this
Don’t worry, I will definitely change the template tomorrow

*don't know how or why these 2 names were omitted in the original publish. Sorry guys!

2nd Annual Blogaversary

Oh, it is here! My second Blogaversary. That is right, I have been doing this crap for 2 whole years now. Let’s discuss what things have happened in the past 2 years that are a direct result of my blog.

Anyone? Nothing? Really? This thing didn’t contribute to anything? Really, nothing? Wow. I really felt like I had more influence in the world than this. So you are telling me that no marriages were saved due to my blog. No bad marriages were ended due to this blog. www.sryanhart.blogspot.com did not contribute in any significant way to people lowering their cholesterol or increasing their levels of cardio vascular fitness (if I reference myself, does that help my Technorati ranking? And do I really care?)? You are telling me that Under Construction was not the impetus for any of the major Hollywood blockbusters this year (were there any truly “Major” ones this year?)?

So, this little corner of the Internet has not helped in any way shape or form. Big deal. It was never intended to move mountains or shatter earths. If that was the intention, that would have happened. That is the kind of follow through that I bring to the table. No really. Stop laughing. Especially you, Wifey! Nope, the intention of this here writing exercise is just that: “To exercise my writing skills.” Let’s look at the first post and see how it would be different if I were writing it today with my recently exercised writing prowess. Here is the original post:

I just want to get this thing started, more to come later. For now I have to get
out of the office and get home.

Notice how verbose I was? Wow, I have really learned how to cut through all that descriptive text from 2 years ago and just boil things down to their primal essence. I mean 2 whole sentences about starting up this blog. I could have done it easily in one. If I were to re-write that post today it would look like this:

It begins. I suggest hiding.

To recap:
It begins
I suggest hiding
No really

See how much better that is? I mean, really who cares that I wanted to leave the office and go home? No one, that’s who. The refined post is more ominous and makes someone want to read more. It is short it is pithy, it makes one wonder, “I wonder what will happen next?” Oh, if I could turn back time…

To recap:
2 years is a long time to blather on about nothing
Tomorrow’s 20 questions will be about my blog (for the blogaversary) and Halloweeen (cause it will be Halloween)
Little Man had his first swim lesson today
It went really well, I hear
This cold is still lingering with me
It has put a real damper on my ability to exercise
Breathing helps exercise
Lack of breathing does not
Thinking about kilting it up for the holiday tomorrow
But I am lacking proper lower leg wear for anything but Scottish Diplomat
What kind of crappy costume is “Scottish Diplomat?”
How many of you have that God Awful Cher song stuck in your head now?

Labor Day

What can I say? It is a holiday and we are holidaying. Is that a verb? Well, if not I have verbified it.

To recap:
Minimal post today
20 Questions Tuesday to be unleashed tomorrow
I cannot say that I am surprised that Steve Irwin was killed by an animal
I am surprised it was not a reptile that killed him
I am bit saddened by his passing
He was clearly a man who enjoyed life to its fullest
We need to get to the grocery store
The cupboards are bare
Well, not entirely bare
I have to get back to playing with Little Man and Wifey

20 Questions Tuesday: 2 Little Man's Birthday

Today is Little Man’s mighty 3rd birthday. Please refrain from telling him this because he will want even more presents. Anyway, as a birthday treat for the little boy of the day, he shall answer all the questions. I will also give some explanation of his responses. Everyone knows that 3 year olds need interpreters.

Special thanks to KimM, Jude, Continuity Girl, B-Dawg, Peefer, and Wifey for their contribution of questions for this week.

Here are the 20 questions.

No Papa turn, Little Man turn
Yes, Yes, it is your turn Little Man.

1. Now that you have been blogging for sometime...if you could change the name of your blog (Under Construction), would you? and to what?
Papa… PAPA… PA-PA!!!
Okay what he is trying to get at here, is that he is not the one who blogs, but I do. I have toyed around with the idea of changing the title of the blog, but I have come to see "Under Construction" as an okay title, so it shall remain.

2. Why is it so absolutely delicious and pleasurable to eat (yummy stuff, of course)? Shouldn't we be bored by the endless, endless repetition; the interminable habit of putting stuff in our mouths and chewing? Clearly it's a survival of the species built-in thing; but shouldn't it be possible to harness that same capacity for routine for other boring necessities, such as working and getting up in the morning?
I chicky tenders. Ketchup. Hot Dog! Dinner! Orange Rice. Toast, Nilla Toast, Ta-co, yellow chip...
Okay, Little Man is giving you his lexicon of food. PINK JUICE BOX! What he is trying to get at is that even at the tender age of 3 he has a goodly amount of things to choose from for food. PINK JUICE BOX! The choices for eating are pretty much endless, but even with those endless possibilities, people do still get into a rut of food prep. Since eating is a sustaining and pleasurable event, PINK JUICE BOX! it is much more enjoyable than working or getting up . I think that is the difference. There would be very very few obese people, if eating were distasteful but necessary. PINK JUICE BOX! Fine, I will get you a pink juice box.

3. Sweet or savory? perfect red baby strawberries with fresh whipped cream on a buttery, crumbly shortbread; or super-smooth, slightly spicy guacamole with incredibly crisp salty nachos? (I'm hungry)
Straw...berry
Little Man would merely go for the strawberries and then probably eat some nachos, so in answer to your question, both.

4. Reading or writing?
Read, Papa. No write.
Little Man really does not like it when I write things down, but he does enjoy a good book. By good book I do mean about 10 pages, made of cardboard with simple sentences. Beat that Grisham!

5. Who would make the better father Superman or Batman?
Papa
It seems that he thinks I would make a better father than Superman or Batman, and I actually tend to agree.
Firstly Superman: he is from another planet, but more than that his dual identity would get in the way. He could not really be there for a child as a true father whilst keeping his day job at the daily planet and saving the world from nefarious super villains.
Secondly Batman: Aside from the same issues that Superman would have being an absent father, every time this man has taken charge of a kid’s well-being, he has dressed that child up in tights, made them wear a mask, and shown them the “Secret Bat Cave Entrance.” I don’t think I need to go into just how icky that is.

6. Did you have a pet as a child?
Kitty cat, kitty cat, kitty cat. 3 cat.
Little Man had three cats when he was born, but we had to find new homes for them due to his asthma and allergies. I miss the kittens terribly

7. Which fictional character would play you in a film about your life?
Little Nut Brown Hare
Looks like he would like his part played by a little brown rabbit, and, honestly, who wouldn't

8. What’s your favourite type of pasta?
PASTA!
He really likes mafalda

9. Who was the best James Bond?
Pip and Pop
His favorite characters on Bear in the Big Blue House are the otters Pip and Pop. Tutter a mouse. He also likes Tutter. Ojo… Yes and Ojo the little bear as well. Bear! That pretty much is the entire cast, Little Man. Anyway, he doesn’t really know about Bond as of yet.

10. How do you feel about "grok" from Heinlein's stranger in a strange land being listed in the dictionary?
What grok?
There is a certain appeal to such a guttural sounding word

11. Will you be disappointed if in the new wonder woman movie, she doesn't spin to change identities like Linda Carter.
Little Man spinning
Yes, yes, you are spinning. Luckily when Little Man spins he does not change into an Amazonian warrior princess. Sadly, I do not think that that will be part of the movie.

12. Is “spin in circles” redundant like “tiny little” and “great big?”
It a Big Big World, it a great big world…
Yes, it truly is a big, big world. Anyway, I think one could spin in an elliptical path, so it does make some sense unlike "little tiny" and "great big."

13. Does it surprise you that meerkats have to be taught how to kill and eat scorpions? And could they teach us how to do it?
Cat?
No, a meerkat, Little Man. I have a 3 year old who is ripe for the training in the killing and eating of scorpions

14. Could you handle the pressure of being "a gangster of love"?
I luv you.
I love you too, Punkin. Being a “Gangster of Love” is much easier than being a “Gansta of Luv.”

15. What is your favourite style of carpet: Berber, shag, or hand-knotted and sheared by a child labourer?
Wood floor
He likes his allergen free hard wood floors, personally, if I have to choose a carpet, I want to make sure my choice helps a child start out their career.

16. What is the true answer to life, the universe, and everything, not to be mistaken with the most-often quoted answer to life, the universe, and everything, which is "forty-two"?
Red caboose at back, orange tank car, yellow hopper car, green cat car, blue gondola car, purple boc car, black tender, black STEAM engine
I, unfortunately cannot disagree.

17. What is the proper usage of the ellipsis?
…
… indeed

18. Will you ever post a picture of yourself on this blog?
Little Man, Papa
I am near the bottom of the post.

19. What is the brightest and/or most blinding light you have ever seen?
Sun in sky
Yep, I think the Sun is about as bright as it gets

20. What would make a great band like Weezer think about breaking up?
Weezer, WEEZER, W-E-E-Z-E-R!!!!! MORE LOUD!!!!
I think they may be thinking about giving up the idea of the band, because they have never met their biggest 3 year old fan.

To recap:
Thanks to Little Man for the help on today’s post
Happy Birthday to Little Man
It seems like just yesterday that he was born in some ways
In other ways it seems like non-parenthood was a lifetime ago
I guess it was Little Man’s lifetime ago
For a more heartfelt and less glib tribute to my little boy, go here
I did not write that one, but most of the sentiments still apply (except for the whole job thingy, oh, and I was not the one who bore him into the world)
I just bore him now
Tomorrow I will be posting solo again
For good or for ill

The Beat Down

I would not be surprised if I have a shiner over my right eye by tomorrow. It seems that Little Man has decided to take out his “ineffectiveness in his environment” against me. Let me define “ineffectiveness in his environment.” This is a home-coined phrase that I just made up like 30 words ago. Hey, I am clever like that, deal with it. Okay the definition without all the self praise.

“Ineffectiveness in his own environment” means that Little Man is not really in too much control of what goes on around him. He eats when we give him food, he sleeps when we make him, he wears his blue shoes and socks when we put them on his feet, etc… Sure he has some semblance of control. He tells us that he would like chicken tenders or a pink juice box, but it is really up to us to make that happen. In this environment he is essentially powerless. We, hoping to be good parents, try to empower him as much as we can, but in almost all serious ways, he is completely bereft of power.

That is to say he only affects the environment that we allow him to - with one major exception. The exception? Well, that is Little Man beating the ever living crap out of me. So far for my July 4^th holiday at home I have been kneed in the groinal area twice, have taken a couple of elbows to the throat, been kicked in a few other tender areas, and been cracked upside my head really hard (the whole right eye area thingy). After breakfast this morning, he ran up to me and hit me in the arm twice screaming “KNOCK! KNOCK!” Before I could ask, “Who’s there?” He would giggle and run away, only to come hit me again later.

Now, one would assume that this is just Little Man not being quite able to control his body as gracefully as someone with full body awareness, but it seems targeted at me. Wifey does not have a cracked noggin. He typically doesn’t knee her “accidentally” in the groin. Sure he head-butts her rather forcefully in her chesty boobage area, but I think that is mainly getting back at her for stopping the whole breast feeding thing. Anyway…as for sheer amount of physical violence, I tend to take the brunt of it.

The constant stream of knees to the nethers and cracks on my noggin have started to take their toll on me. I am starting to take up defensive stances around the Little Man. I find myself flinching when he comes near. I am constantly awaiting the eventual head-butt to my nose. I am pretty sure he will give me a black eye sooner or later. I have started blocking his hands when we are near each other. I cannot wait until the day I have to explain to the cops that I “fell down the stairs again” because my little boy has been beating the crap out of me.

To Recap:
Little Man 4 – SRH 0
I already have a small lump over my right eye
I swear he broke my nose 3 weeks ago
Happy 4thy of July
It rained really hard this morning
I don’t like hot dogs no matter how many times Wifey tries to make me eat them
Germany v Italy is on, so I will post more tomorrow