So this week I decided to just refer to the Google autofill for the words “who,” “what,” “when,” “why,” and “where.” I just copied to first four responses for each of the five words and then will attempt to answer them as best I can. In looking at the width and breadth of these questions it seems like many of these questions seem like questions asked to Google via voice interaction on a mobile device. Also it seems like Destiny players are very concerned with the comings and goings of Xur. So… Thanks Google for the questions. Now without further ado, on to the questions.

1. Who won the NASCAR race today?
There was not a NASCAR race today so no one won… but since the race in question does not, in fact, exist… everyone won as well.

2. Who is?
Everyone outside of the group that is not.

3. Who won the US Open?
Specificity is the soul of narrative. No date is associated with this question, nor gender, nor event. Is it women's doubles from 1972? Is it men’s singles from 1984? Regardless the answer is Serena Williams.

4. Who let the dogs out?
Again, specificity is necessary to answer this question accurately and precisely. Where specificity is not available, generality should be substituted. So in an effort to accurately answer this question I will eschew precision. Someone let the dogs out unless the dogs have determined how to let themselves out, and that would be a wholly different issue than laying blame. Dogs cannot be allowed to let themselves out... in that direction lies madness and madness alone.

5. What time is it?
It’s time to get ill. It is always time to get ill. So, everyone, get ill.

6. What is my IP?
It is the numerical address assigned to your node that accesses the Internet as a whole. It is a unique identifier for all externally facing nodes on the network.

7. What song is this?
This is not a song, so therefore it is whatever song you want it to be.

8. What is the weather?
The weather is a collection of geographically and temporally localized atmospheric data that has been suitably aggregated into a colloquial description for a lay person concerning meteorology to easily understand.

9. Where is Mali?
Mali is a landlocked country in Western Africa.

10. Where am I?
I hope this was not asked with any amount of desperation. That would be troubling to say the least. I am going to say you should look around you… there you are. Please make the best of being there.

11. Where’s my refund?
You will be happy to know that it is in the mail and on the way.

12. Where is Xur?
He is either at “The Tower” or “The Reef.” You find him.

13. Why is the sky blue?
The sky is blue because of the angle of incidence from sunlight refracting off of water molecules in the atmosphere. That being said, not all of the sky is blue.

14. Why not both?
Why not indeed?

15. Why is the ocean salty?
Fishes are sweaty, yo. Super sweaty.

16. Why is Xur not here?
Because he doesn’t want to trade with you.

17. When is Father’s Day?
Third Sunday of the month of June.

18. When does Xur arrive?
2 am PST Friday morning, like clockwork.

19. When is Easter?
The first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox.

20. When does Xur leave?
2 a.m. PST Sunday morning, also like clockwork, but not like Clockwerk, because that’s a band.

To recap:
I guess Xur is important in Destiny
Destiny peeps gotta buy their shit, yo
I traveled to the Outer Banks today
Flew from Columbus to Norfolk
Traveled light, just a my work backpack that I sling over my shoulder like some kind of boss messenger
The wife met me in Norfolk and drove my butt to OBX
Then I will eat an unhealthy amount of Brunswick Stew from High Cotton Bar-B-Que
Thanks to Tom Gehrke… he knows why
He really is one of the best people I know whom I have not met
There are a handful of those jokers out there
Well, I turn 43 tomorrow, so Happy Birthday to me
42 was personally a good year for me, but, wow, it was a shit show geo-politically
If you read though to this, it would mean a bunch if you left a birthday comment
It’s for my birthday
Have a great week everyone