Okay I am posting this email conversation that I have been having with “The Yeti” for the past few days. All I have done is removed email addresses to protect the anonymity of the Yeti, and keep each of us from being spammed with Viagra/Cialis ads. I have also cleaned up some of the un-intentional spelling/capitalization mistakes. I am out of town today, so this is all you get.
From: “THE YETI”
Sent: Friday, April 21, 2006 9:40 AM
To: SRH
CC:
Subject: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Importance: Low
Dear Sir,
You have bad mouthed me for the last time. I know where you live and have a taste for Alabama blood. It may not be today and it may not be tomorrow, actually I am busy tomorrow, so it won't be tomorrow, but it will be soon.
Sleep with one eye open...
Your Favorite Yeti,
The Yeti
From: "SRH"
To: "THE YETI"
CC:
Subject: RE: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 2006 07:20:28 -0400
Dear "The Yeti," If that is truly who you are,
I am truly surprised by your email correspondence, for I did not think that you could string together more than one cogent thought that was not about food. Honestly, I am surprised that this message was sent via email and not a bird of some form with a tattered piece of paper tied to its neck (subtlety not being one of your virtues) with a scrawled crayon message reading "Me no like you, I kill Kill
KILLL!!!
-teh yite."
Furthermore, I should like it if you did not sent any more of your electronic missives to my work email. If you tracked me down here, I am sure you can send something to my home account. If you truly are the Yeti in question, we have already exchanged insurance information from the first time we met. Most of my contact information is there.
I guess that is the rub of all this. What started out as an accidental, well accident, meeting developed to a true friendship. Do you remember the Stooge Marathon? Do you remember trading vanilla milkshake recipes? By the way, I modified yours, if you add powered milk to the shake, it really thickens it up. Then betrayal.
Yeti, you are already dead to me.
--SRH
From: “THE YETI”
Sent: Monday, April 24, 2006 8:49 AM
To: SRH
CC:
Subject: RE: RE:GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
For shame. You have once under estimated your opponent and it shall cost you dearly. This is the 21st century and everyone has gone wireless. I have already mapquested directions to your house and it is only a matter of time before the sword of Damocles drops on your head. Thanks for suggesting the powdered milk. I will have to try that the next time I want a shake.
Yours truly,
The Yeti
From: "SRH"
To: "THE YETI”
CC:
Subject: RE: RE: RE: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 2006 13:06:22 -0400
Dear Mr. Yeti,
I imagine you trying desperately not to mis-spell words on your Treo with you pendulously large and furry fingers. It is an image that makes me giggle like a schoolgirl, so thank you for that.
Mere directions to my house do not scare me. Primarily because you, my rather large and be-furred nemesis, are quite conspicuous whilst traveling. I think it is the glowing yellow eyes, the gray white shaggy/matted fur, and the fact that you smell like a goat that just ran a marathon. Those are just guesses of course, I am also pretty sure that most airlines will not take Chirpa skulls as a form of payment (lord knows I have tried). I think you are making idle threats from your cozy little ice cave on the north face of Manaslu. That's right, Manaslu North Face at 7,214 ft elevation. Oh, two can play the "I know where you live" game. Oh yes, indeed.
Might I suggest adding powdered sugar in the milkshake as well, but only add the powdered sugar if you balance it out with a pinch of salt or 1/4 tsp of pure vanilla extract.
Regards
--SRH
From: “THE YETI”
Sent: Monday, April 24, 2006 1:50 PM
To: “SRH”
CC:
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Mr. SRH,
If only you could possibly know how close you are to being mauled by my surprisingly dull teeth. First of all, while I do have fat fingers that make it difficult to type, this does not keep me from giving dictation to my handy secretary, Cindy the Cyclops. We have already crossed the frozen Bering Straights on Cindy's motorcycle with sidecar and it is only a matter of time we escape the hell hole known as Manitoba. And you think that Cleveland is bad, obviously you have never been to Canada.
-T.Y.
From: “SRH”
Sent: Monday, April 24, 2006 2:11 PM
To: “THE YETI”
CC:
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Mr. T Yeti,
Aren't you afraid of the Mounties?
Bwahahahahahahahahaha, I couldn't help myself, I tried to be all concerned about the mounted police, but really, what are they going to do, polite you to death? Oh, God, I slay me.
Anyway... There are many forms of Hell. Manitoba being the "Boring form of Hell," whilst Cleveland being the "Dead Inside form of Hell." On a side note, I have always thought that Winnipeg should have named their hocky team the Peg-legs, because, well, Winnipeg Peg-legs has a certain "je ne sais crois" to it, don't you think?
How is Cindy doing? I haven't talked to her in while, mainly because she sided with you in our grievance. Cyclopskins, what they lack in depth perception, they make up for in zeal. (You are driving right? ‘Cuase Cindy is not so good with the cliffs and not falling off of them. A clear drawback to having only one big eye).
Honestly though, the milkshake recipe should have gone as follows
5 large scoops of Vanilla Bean ice cream (the bean is what makes it good! and definitely not that French Vanilla crap!)
1/2 cup of powdered milk
1/4 cup of powdered sugar
1/4 tsp of double strength pure Vanilla Extract (or 1/2 tsp if you only have single strength)
2 cups of milk Blend until smooth
Use a spoon to eat
Your recipe of
Ice cream + Milk = shake, while elementary and correct, needed some fleshing out.
Look forward to your attempt at mauling me.
Cheers
--SRH
From: “THE YETI”
Sent: Tuesday, April 25, 2006 11:26 AM
To: “SRH”
CC:
Subject: sasquatch says hello
Meat,
If you have not yet realized, let me tell you something. Your days are numbered and soon i will be picking my dull teeth with your bones. Cindy and I crossed over to the US last night through Vancouver and stayed the evening with one of Cindy's college friends, Sasquatch. He told us of tales and mentioned that he is quite aware of you and feels that you must be dealt with swiftly. We had a few problems crossing the US border but it mostly had to do with the duty free store and the fact that I could not find the right cologne. I didn't want something too sweet but something that not overly musty. I also got into a tiny dispute with the border patrol because he felt we were trying to smuggle Khalua into the country. It was only 3 bottles and i know my rights. It ended with me gnarling his arm off and him running off like a little one armed bitch. mmmm, human blood. Tomorrow we are stopping off to visit my old buddy, El Chupacabra. He is making us dinner. I assume it is goat.
Anyhow, I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.
Yours truly,
The Yeti
From: “SRH “
Sent: Tuesday, April 25, 2006 12:51 PM
To: “THE YETI”
CC:
Subject: RE: sasquatch says hello
Dearest Walking Smelly Carpet,
Here we were having a pleasant conversation when you go and ruin it by calling me, of all things, "meat." I mean really, is that all that you have?
On another note, why in God's name did you travel all the way east to Manitoba just to cross the US Border in Vancouver, way the Hell in the west? I know that Ohio is mis-labeled as being part of the "Mid-West, but sheesh, you could have mauled me in my sleep last night if you hadn't detoured. Don't you know that you will have to now travel cross country to get to the great plains of Ohio? If I were you, I would have continued East to Ontario and crossed at Sault St. Marie. Then it is almost a straight shot down Michigan and into Ohio for the "maulin'." Did you need me to send you a trip-tic from AAA? Yeti, I make maps for a living, you could have asked. Then again, you are visiting Chuppy in Chiapas, so I am starting to think that this quest you are on to silence me, is more of an excuse to visit people.
Oddly enough and on the same tack, Pedi, our mutual sasquatch friend called after you left. You see, I have been on good terms with Pedi (Pedi LaGrande) for a very, very long time. She says that you are looking well, and that you really aren't that into the whole "shutting up SRH" thing as much as you are into the "I am happy to have gotten out of the Himalayas" thing. Roof of the world just doesn't have that great of restaurants, does it?
So, you visiting Champ as well, while you are here. If you do see him, he owes me $5 for lunch. You would think a water serpent would eat fish, but he all into the "New York Style Pizza." Anyway, Chuppy will probably serve you Goat a l'orange, it is his favorite "company's over" dish.
Happy touring,
--SRH
So Far I have not received a response…
To recap:
The yeti does not think much of himself
I had to capitalize all of his “I”’s
It was like emailing with e. e. cummings without the artistry
I am snapping photos of bridges today
In Cleveland
Yippee
Cheers
It indeed has been a long time… ummm… indeed
I would essentially have been riding shotgun with something that was riding shot gun with me…